Today, I got angry. That anger started out being projected towards another person who chose to do something that I disagree with. Because I was ignorant at the time of happening, I figured I was powerless to an authoritarian decision that affected my life in a negative way. I allowed this decision to be the final-say without questioning it until years later. That is my fault. Based on my anger projection theory (soon to come in my notes) I realized that I was angry with myself for allowing that person's choice to affect my life when it is my responsibility to do something about it.
It is my responsibility to get what I want in life, not what someone else wants for me. Consequently, what I wanted and needed were the same thing at that time, and they were denied by someone in a position of more power (but remember, this person only had power because I gave it to him). What did I want and need...? TIME. Time to be myself, to find things that I like doing instead of aimlessly trudging forward in the dark.
Then I thought, when I needed it the most, I couldn't get it. Now, when I don't need it, I have it. I have the time to relax and focus on me, to find out more about me, to be me. I have the time to work on things that I previously had more passion to do, even though now, my body physically doesn't want to. I've been tired out. Now this makes me angry.
"They didn't give it to me when I needed it. Why, why, WHY...!?!"
Why, exactly. And I start to think, why am I crushing myself to do this 'thing' anyways...? This supposed 'dream' that I've always wanted to do. It's in my hands now, the only way it will not get done is if I choose not to do it. Why wouldn't I do it...? I've always wanted to do this, right...?
But these years have not been kind to me. I know better than anyone, that once you look from outside the matrix, there is possibly no way of returning back to formal cognition. I know, this 'dream' is nothing more than the alteration and conditioning of my physical self earlier in my life to promote an idea that aids what I call, 'the Big Z'... You could also call it brainwashing. You see stars on t.v. Then you see a preconditioned audience wooing for that star. Everyone wants to be famous... but WHY...? Because we're conditioned to feel that way. We're conditioned to want power. To work for that power. And all in this process we're making the Big Z even more powerful.
Why should I want this 'thing'? Why should I want to be famous...? How can a person want to be famous but not even know the pretexts for it...? I am culpable. Culpable for being gullible and conditionable, but only because I know it. It wasn't my fault then but what I know now makes me guilty to my own anger. Because if you are not ignorant, then you must know that you are the only one who has control over you're life.
So in being angry with myself, I will write about "the Big Z". Why I have distaste for them. Why they are responsible for every violent outtake that happens in the United States and country that has tasted or smelled the lingering aftertaste of their presence. Disgusting is an understatement. No, I can no longer project my anger at other people. That doesn't solve the problem. If we martyr the criminals of society we are only treating the symptom of a problem emblematic of the larger picture. I have to go under the surface. I have to treat the root. I have to be responsible for being submissive to people who are created just as equal as us. And in doing so, hopefully, I will enlighten some people out there subjected to this issue.
In my own words,
-XJ
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